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Cry for help from an unknown source
by SkywalkerD
I feel uncomfortable with labelling anything, but just the emotional resonance of the word Indigo makes sense for me. My room as a child and teenager was all - indigo. Not girly lilac but pure indigo which would shock anybody who would enter it. My favorite activity when I was 10 was going into the wood, sitting there for hours and doing bioenergetic exercises (which I found years later what it was - for me that seamed like the most natural thing to do). I would imagine and feel a fire ball between my hands that expands and shrinks. Then I would collect plants (and I knew every single one, little bit latter I won a city competition in botanics by just reading whole book once, I just know plants, that's it), dry them and learn how to heal with them. When I was 11 or 12, I stumble upon book on folk magic, planets and astrology, and started practicing simple rituals, mostly about healing people. I was raised in a big city, this was not a normal behavior but I was lucky to live next to the wooden area. Where I've got those ideas, which was a mystery. About the same time I started having visionary dreams, and stuff that I was dreaming would just happen next day. At age 13 I started having deep and intense feelings of not belonging here and decided the best thing to is to commit suicide. That was a clear decision, not a cry for attention. I realized the whole planet is going in one direction and me, in totally different. I didn't know how to do it, and the attempt failed. The hardest thing for me at that time was a realization that there are so many lies, people don't care for each other, everything seamed so harsh, loud and stupid. I was very lonely and I just wanted to hang out around plants and animals. Or draw and make things alone. School was a bit of a hell for me - competition, harsh sports, popular stuff that everybody has to have or do. I was never diagnosed as dyslexic but I would constantly permutate numbers and having bad grades in math and physics. I could make sense of a complicated problem but on the end 24 is 42 and < is >.My IQ is above 150, enough to piss off every teacher - I just didn't care for any authority figure and rules for the sake of rules. I went to music school, I never practiced but I keep on skipping grades and getting into best schools (free). I have two masters in music, but even on a high level of education, I would still question institution and feel like an alien there. I went for masters in music thinking that is a planet where creative people live, and I was wrong. I had a few great teachers who would get me and I would learn from them a lot, others (majority) would constantly try to put me in a box, make me be somebody else, or just be very offended by my questions. I felt I'm on some mission and I have to accomplish it. Something that has to contribute to everybody, whole profession, which was the main difference between me and everybody else. I didn't understand small and selfish goals (just play a nice concert in a nice dress and make parents proud....promote yourself....make it easy by copying another artist...repeat stuff in the same way and call it art...). I felt stuff has to be changed, replaced with new and original, old stuff has to die because it is already rotten, and we are here to make it happen. I felt we all have to work toward a goal of making the Earth more creative, more free, happier place. I am experiencing the same on my job (music teacher). I just quit working for two music schools - because I cannot kill the urge to organize better, to provide new ideas, to point on things that doesn't work anymore. I can't deal with cold business attitude, without being personal, empathetic, understanding student's needs, and being in a touch with what is going on TODAY, not yesterday or a 100 years ago. I proved that what I do makes sense and brings money, but my bosses don;t even get what I am doing. Often they will take credit for it, not give me raise ever, not even a "good job". I was done when my boss took my best student (that I put a lot of work in), started teaching him and claimed that is his work after one lesson. But this is a theme of my life. I feel squeezed and used, I feel how people truly not getting me but recognizing how much they can take from me. And I am giving it to them because I can't create boundaries. When I am fed up with everything, the first thing to think about is suicide. That feels like relief, like I can stop all of this when is just too hard. What is hard - I don’t really know. It's like everybody has a tunnel vision and I have an access to some invisible knowledge that makes perfect sense to me. I can sense people, things, future and I'm taking all around me like a sponge. I need time during the day (every day) to re-wire and cleanse myself from everything I picked up. I have terrible mood swings, I'm overwhelmed by memories of a past, vision that I recognize but not from my experience, like I'm reliving something constantly. There are premonition dreams almost every night and dreams of global destructions. I experience a deep sorrow in my dreams, I feel how planet and a human race is about to die in a matter of minutes (and every time it is a different event - a flood, storm, comet...etc). I wake up so upset and there is nobody to tell who will understand - that we need to do something urgently. And I still believe everybody is capable to better the world right now, with very simple things. If they wake up. Maybe that is the best explanation - we woke up, we are fully aware and everybody around are still sleeping. There are also so many things in my life that I have no explanation for and I don't know what to do with it. It seams it is a constant struggle, just I really don’t know with what. There is no visible reason for it (I have loving husband, there is always money with very little effort or I just don't care for it and a little is enough for me, no debt, I look 10 years younger than my age, people are drawn to me naturally, healthy family...). But there is this pulsating feeling of....everything I feel constantly, some cry for help from unknown source, need for change, terrible visions of future and a feeling there is very little time left. For what? I don't know. Does anybody know what I am talking about? How we make the world listen to this message? And how to be happy knowing all of this? (and, yes, I'm experiencing all of the symptoms described....and that is where all Indigo information ends...ok, we get it...now we need to know what to do... Click Here to meet our Indigo Experts
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