Growing up Indigo (part I)

by Lindsey
(Missouri, USA)

When I was small I knew I was very different. When I was first able to talk I remember trying to express my feelings to my younger "normal" sister. I didn't understand how I was this small little human. I knew I used to be or be part of something VERY big. I was so confused how I could possibly be this tiny blonde human child. I always prayed for the world to be at peace, and to meet someone like me.

I felt things intensely when others seemed to feel nothing at all. I would name my dolls and toys names who have been important people I've met years and years later. I always felt so very alone. Even though I was with a family of 5 including myself I always felt so alone. I felt so awkward around other people. In preschool and kindergarten I felt like they were in a snow globe and I was holding it in my hand. They made no sense to me. They didn't understand me.

I am a feeler. I feel everything around me intensely and I know now that it is all energy. What I do with it I am not sure, but I have always just felt everyone and everything as if it were inside of me. I need LOTS of time alone to feel myself at all.

Most of my childhood I spent in my bedroom alone drawing and listening to music. I could just draw anything I saw. No one taught me. I just could. And music I could just listen to a song and play it on the piano. Not left hand, just right mostly. I can also sing and play the guitar by ear the same way. I also wrote words that just came from nowhere. It just came so easily. It still does. I was depressed allot, even when I was only 10. Once after seeing a scary movie when I was about 16 or so I prayed and heard voices tell me that I could leave then if I wanted to. And asked if I was ready. I said no, and they said they'd be back in five or six years. I was adopted and so I blamed my differences on that and thought one day when I met my blood family I would finally be with others like me.

I was a very spiritual caring person. I always felt connected with "God" but disagreed with many things in the church my mom made me go to. I had a boyfriend in a town close by that my mom refused to let me see. He was a green energy person. He told me his friend was a witch and said I was also one. He also said once that he had a nightmare that I was a shape shifter. I thought I loved him, but realize now I only did as a friend and only to rebel against my mother. He asked me to marry him when I was only 16. I said yes but really didn't want to. I wanted to wait to have sex until I was married but he did it to me any way when I said no. I lied to myself and pretended it never happened and went numb until I met Paul.

I grew up with a lot of pain and argued constantly with my adoptive mother. I moved in with my grandma. While living and finishing high school in that new town I met a sensitive gold energy boy named Paul who liked music the same "way" I did and was into drawing as well. He brought me out of my shell more and I started writing, drawing and singing without feeling as "strange" about myself. He was a drummer and a poet too. His family was into new age things and I really got excited because I had been into new age things since I was thirteen and started researching Wicca, and started studying many other religions and things in that area. He one day told me that I was a "star child". I had seen something about it before but it terrified me because of the fact that the sites I saw about it said star persons were aliens, and that was my biggest fear; aliens. He and I were very much in love and he treated me so kindly as well as his family. It was very sweet and romantic. He understood more of me than anyone ever had.

I prayed to know who my birth parents were, to just know their name. I heard and wrote the name Chilcoat, but threw it away thinking I'd gone mad. After graduating and my 18th birthday I was ecstatic to find my birth parents. I was told I couldn't because the records were sealed. But I got the nonidentifying information anyway. Just medical records. On the back there was a name written. It said Chilcoat. I asked what it was , they said it wasn't supposed to be on it. A few days later after calling all of the Chilcoats in the phone book I found her. I met her that same day. She was mentally ill and had alot of BAD energy, but she was very psychic. I also met my real dad who was a drummer and had drinking and drug problems (I think) who may be a very early adult indigo. I also found I had a little brother, who was into music too, and a little sister who looked just like me and was just like me too...except extremely aware at only 6. She had a gift for music also and was fond of animals.

My boyfriend at the time broke up with me. He knew their energy was VERY bad. Plus he realized we were both too attached to one another to grow individually. I was devastated but I spent the next year with the family I always searched for, and the things I went through were awful. It was one traumatic thing after another between my blood mother’s illness and suicide attempts, and my blood father's alcoholism and suicide attempt and fights with my brother.

I tried to fix them. I cannot tell you what I was feeling then, because it was like I was completely numb. I cannot even remember everything, it's almost as if I left my body and wasn't even there during that time. It was perhaps just too painful to deal with .I tried to take care of them, and make things better, instead they got worse. My brother had feelings for me that were inappropriate. I tried to hide it from them and handle it myself. That was a big mistake. They ended up threatening to kill me and I finally just cut all cords and didn't talk to them any more for my own health.

It was hard and I still love and miss their good qualities to this day. I miss my sister and pray for her. When I got away from them I immediately started having many panic attacks. At that point I met another guy who was a "green" energy person and now I see that this was a healing part of my life. I moved with him to SC and lived on the beach for 3 years. I moved slowly from the negative thoughts and feelings from the experiences from my birth family and started to heal. His name was Brian and he was a very easy going person but had a drinking problem and smoked pot constantly, so much that it ruled his life. We had fun together and I tried pot a couple of times. But I am sensitive enough and it was toooo much for me to handle, and I learned so much all at once. I kept trying to get him to do something with himself and quit doing so much drinking and smoking but we just ended up fighting over it.

One starry night we were looking from our balcony at the ocean and saw these lights. They suddenly lit up in the sky like giant torches. We ran to get the telescope but the lights disappeared as quickly as they appeared. In the newspaper the next day I noticed walking by at a stand, the title said MYRTLE BEACH, SC UFO SIGHTINGS TOP IN COUNTRY or something like that. I was freaked out and suddenly remembered the voices I heard “We’ll be back in 5 or 6 years”. It had been 6 years exactly. I was sooooo scared that they were aliens and were going to come get me. I felt like maybe I was just being silly but I saw them again when I tried a cigarette on the beach one night. I told them in my head "I’m not ready, I’m not ready I'm not ready. I felt in me that I was supposed to do music and not to smoke, and they disappeared again.

Brian was freaked out too and I felt less insane. I realized that I only loved Brian as a friend and broke up with him, but he kept following me from apartment to apartment until he finally moved to NC. When I was finally alone again I met a girl who I became friends with quickly. I then met a guy on the beach who was the first person I had ever met with the same energy as my own. We hugged and I had never felt anything like it. I still cannot describe it. His name was Jeromy and his energy was light blue like mine. He was only 19 and I was 22. He moved there immediately from Maryland because he felt it too. My friend the girl I had met and Jeromy all moved into an ocean front together and we had one of the best times in my life. We drank way too much, but I was a free spirit. This girl and I were 2 peas in a pod and had lots of fun together. She met a friend at her job and brought him into the picture and all four of us would swim at 3 am and I'd run into the ocean at 4 am and felt soooo freee. We'd watch Napoleon Dynamite every night and sometimes more than once a day, we made awesome meals and drank and had too much fun. They started smoking pot and I found out Jeromey was just getting over a cocaine addiction. I was angry and scared. . . (SEE part II)

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