Searching Indigo

by Deonna
(Florida)

Everyone has their own particular story about their life and hard times. Growing up I never did quite fit in with very many people. I was picked on a lot. When I reached high school I did make friends but I was never friends with anyone at my school. I was in 9th grade and all of my friends were graduated and much older than me.

During my high school years I was introduced to what I guess you could say my lifestyle is. Yes, I am a lesbian. I’ve never been with a man and if there’s one thing I’m actually sure of in my life it’s that.

It seemed like during those years I always wanted so badly to "fit in." But no matter how hard I tried I just never did. There were some cases where I did make new friends and a door would open to be social but I found myself feeling uncomfortable and just feeling like they don’t like me or something.

Everything really went crazy after I graduated. To make a long story short I moved out two days after graduation, moved down south to my moms, went to CNA School, moved back after I finished, and never even used the certification.

I signed up for the navy and was in the delayed entry program for a few months then cancelled my contract and didn’t join. A few weeks later I started the police academy, a month and a half in to it I tried to overdose on medication with the intention to end my life. I was hospitalized and my mother had come to get me and take me home with her.

It’s been a couple months since then and this is where I stand. So many things are changing in me I can’t make sense of anything. I was diagnosed with ADD about 5 months ago. I picked up a notebook about a month ago and started doodling and before I knew it I had a life like drawing of my brother on paper.

My mind is constantly knowledge hungry. I can’t sit down and read a novel but I can sit down and read about astrology or art any day. When I close my eyes, I see blue and purple waves of light and I see these eyes looking at me. In my dreams I go places I’ve never seen before. I am NEVER surprised. I get these gut feelings in my stomach about things. I always know what’s going to happen before it does - just with those gut feelings.

I always know when people are lying to me. I also know how people are feeling whether they say it or realize it themselves. I can’t make sense of any of this. I don’t understand why I know the things I do and why I understand people so much or can read them. My whole life I’ve spent all this time finding myself, helping others, and trying to "save" everyone.

For once I’m trying to help myself. I’ve learned more about me in the past couple months than I have my whole life. I feel like I have this purpose in life and I’m so close I can almost reach figuring out just what it is. It drives me crazy. I feel different from other people. I feel like I’m missing something. I’m at a point now where I’m so lost and confused. I don’t know what to do with all of these changes I’m going through and things I see and hear. I don’t know anything about any of this Indigo stuff because I’ve never known anything about religion or spirituality. I don’t know what career path to take. I guess you could say this is my cry for help.

If anyone has any answers my email is deonnaus@yahoo.com. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I deeply appreciate it.

Sincerely,
Deonna (19)

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