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Agnostic Gay Indonesian Indigo

by Fares Chandra
(Palembang, Indonesia)

My story is considerably long, but I think that knowing my background and my current situation is necessary for anyone interested in helping me to sort out a question.

I was born male, on November 24th 1982, as the first born out of 4. Ever since I was little, I have always been attracted to men. I think my conscious sexual fantasies (with men) have started way too early; when I was about 5. I don’t recall ever being sexually harassed.

I have an above-average inclination for bad lucks (unpleasant karmas). During my elementary years I was mildly bullied. My bad lucks came as small yet very frequent incidents of numerous types, instead of huge chunks over a long period of time. One of the reasons I was (mildly) bullied in school was that because I have the face of a girl (or that’s what they said). Although my bad lucks decline gradually as get older, I still have the knack for them.

Upon graduating elementary, my parents picked me a junior high near our house. And in that completely new environment, I was again receiving verbal bullying by other kids, but it terrified me because they were not the kids I knew in elementary. That contributed (but was not the only reason) to my poison-drinking suicide-attempt at 11 or 12. Around that time, I also felt a desire to be girl (which I don’t recall to experience in earlier years). I think my narrow mindset at the time was somehow telling me that the only legal way for me to like men, is by somehow making myself a woman. My dad did not prepare me for puberty, so I spent the earliest days of it in fear. My wet dreams were always about sex with men.

My sexuality, however, is not the only reason why I believed in reincarnation. A lot of people were/are amazed by my English after I told them I have never lived abroad, I have never taken any English course, I was never raised by any English-speaking person, and my dad never taught me English (which I’m grateful for, because he had an Indian accent and I don’t really want that tongue). My English tongue is somewhat southern-American.

My metabolic rate is higher than most people, especially when I was 15 to 25. Compared to my peers, I eat a lot but I don’t get fat, though I’m not very skinny either. I’m not fond of sports apart from casual badminton and my preference to walk. My metabolic rate is slowing gradually in the last several years, for I’m now slowly gaining weight. My mind has always been hyperactive for as long as I can remember, and I masturbate quite frequently.

My Early and Current Spirituality

My family was Muslim, so my early perception on God and life was Islamic, despite being reasoningless-liberal (moderate). But my sexuality has enabled me ponder on some heavy questions on freewill and predestination from a very young age. My heart was always grudgingly accepting the notion that God put me in this situation to test me. It was not fair for me because my sexuality was not my only source of bad lucks. Sometime before my suicide attempt, a TV program introduced me to the conception of karma and reincarnation. That explanation relieved my heart to a degree. I did not denounce Islam then, but now I’m aware that my faith in Islam was actually ending on the day I started believing in reincarnation. In my suicide attempt I was foolishly thinking that by dying, all my problems will be over and that they will not follow me in my next birth.

Being an agnostic who rejects the depiction of God as a personal entity (personification of the Almighty), I am now a human rights activist for sexual and spiritual diversities, specializing in an unpopular area even among my fellow human rights activists of sexual diversity; written debates of religious texts. I have studied, researched and written a book that discusses (at least the possibility of) reality-distorting scriptural interpretation by means of generalization and simplification on the story of Lot, by religious authorities in Christianity and Islam. My writings are in Bahasa; the national language of Indonesians, for they are meant to battle intellectual ignorance and complacency heavily suffered by my fellow country-people. I am aware that I cannot possibly find a sane publisher for that kind of literature in this country.

My fellow activists have received copies of them, but by the time my writings are ready to be publicly available (in either a website which employing a strong defence-security system; or printed and distributed publisher-lessly), I wouldn’t want to be in this country anymore. Indonesia in general is moderately-religious at the moment, with several hot spots of fundamentalism movements. I observe that more and more people are gaining greater interest in policing the sexual-morality and social-religiosity of other people.

I consider my activism as my greater calling though I was never receiving any sort of conformation by any higher authority on this. And I don’t dare to self-induce mind-stimulating techniques. If you want to take me there then I’ll go with you. But if you only want to tell me how to get there by myself, I’m not sure I can drive safely. I have a hyperactive mind (which is giving me the natural high when I’m writing, even if I’m skipping sleep for it.

Mom’s death at 37 was an irony of life because Dad was an herbalist who had helped a substantial amount of people in getting out from the grip of their cancers. But as you shall read, even Dad’s lifeline had its own irony. As I’ve told you, my only paranormal experience (or something close enough that) was when I can guess number at a very young age. I (and my 3 siblings for this matter) did not receive/encounter/observe anything paranormal before and after Mom’s death in Jan 2001 and Dad’s death on May this year; no direct premonition, no visit that we can feel or see, and not even unusual dream(s).

My brother and I were most-of-the-times close when we were little, but as we get older our relationship gets fiery. He has no problem with who I am, but I (and now only my 2 sisters) have a problem with who he is, or precisely what he chooses to do. Simply put, I strongly believe that I have chronically wronged him in one of my previous lifetimes that he is now unintentionally getting even with me.

About the favor that I’m asking

On February 2011 I went to see a psychic. In addition to her reputation, she's also non-Muslim. The majority of people with paranormal abilities/talents in this country are also part of the Muslim population; you can’t go to them and simply ask about your past lives.

I perceived that she was not as refined as I had expected. And she couldn’t also peek into people’s past lives. Because I didn’t have all day long to spend with her (the next clients were queuing), I had to cut her statements and not really paying attention to a statement she made about me not being empty. She then said that by the middle of the year, a big disaster would have hit my family, which turned out to be referring to the decease of Dad. The information was so vague that I could not have figured it out then.

When that disaster finally came, I was reminded to her. I guess that despite her several mistakes in reading my lifeline, she could not have missed too-big-a-chunk incident like this one. Then I recall that kinky statement she made about me not being empty. So I went to her two months ago to talk about just that.

My perception toward the statement was that I am somewhat given a certain spell/charm/hidden amulet by Dad for my advantage. But I believe in karma, and that that kind of stuff can protect me from anything but my own karma, when the time for it has come to ripe. So I wanted to get rid of that stuff. Or another possibility, there is a being that attaches itself to my being like a parasite (sucking my energy; whether or not deliberately, which might explain the times in my life when I felt unusually tired and fatigued upon waking up in some mornings).

To my surprise, she insisted that what she referred to was a dormant ability to heal illnesses; that my ancestor(s) had chosen me to inherit this talent of theirs. That was even kinkier than I thought it would be. Now Dad was an herbalist. His knowledge (on herbalism) and skills (in acupuncture) was indeed acquired (which he further developed) from the literatures he had been reading, and colleagues he had been sharing with.

He inspired me to take bachelor degree in public health, and I did. He took good care of his own health except for the fact that he was never willing to give up on nicotine. He died at 62 and this was a real irony of life because I was working as interpreter-translator for the jointly-conducted Tobacco Control Program in Indonesia; between the Health Ministry of the republic and its foreign partners/donors. I had hoped that before it was too late, he would find his click and put an end to that cycle.

Explaining further about this innate yet dormant healing talent of mine, the psychic said that it would ripe around my 40s. Now this added information came after I inquired her a bit further.

So dear friends, I am asking for aid from any and all of you who can ‘see into my being’, and tell me if what I heard from this psychic about this upcoming talent of mine is a joyful hope to be clinging to (a very precious added value for my struggle), or just another misread reading on me that I need to forget about, and that I need to keep being blunt with reality. That’s all.

If for any reason you didn’t want your analysis to be read by another people, then instead of writing it here you can write to me personally via my email; "keberadaan at yahoo dot com" (also if you need to see my photo to get clearer view of my lifeline).

Thank you very much in advance.

Greetings of Universal Humanity.

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