The Best Psychic Jokes For Bringing Fun And Laughter To This Medium

Ian Parkin is the author of this post.

Can you add your best psychic jokes or humorous fortune teller comments for this compilation? 

Finding happiness from this medium is no joke! While laughter may not be the absolute best medicine it may certainly help in these realms. Because a good laugh raises your energy and can sooth tensions, I have collected the best psychic jokes I have found so far. 

  • Who knew Exorcisms were so expensive? I had to take out a loan to pay for mine. If I fail to make the repayments, I get repossessed!
Sharing The Best Psychic Jokes In The WorldTarot Card: Sharing The Best Psychic Jokes In The World

List Of The Best Psychic Jokes I Found In Cyberspace

  • Why couldn't the pirate read his Tarot Cards? Because he was standing on the deck!

  • How do angels make holy water? - They boil the hell out of it!

  • Yogi Bear says to Boo-Boo - "It's tough to make psychic predictions, especially about the future.”

  • Where do psychics dance? - at the crystal ball!

  • Knock knock . . "who's there?" asks the psychic. Client walks away.

  • Traditional Psychic's greeting. "You're great, how am I?"

  • Popular vacation destination for Chiromancers - Palm Beach

  • Popular vacation destination for ghosts - Mali-boo.

  • In the beginning humanity was divided into two groups. Group 1 was gifted with intuition. Group 2 was not. - Group 2 were all eaten by the sabre tooth tigers. 

  • I was going to go to Psychic School - but I couldn't afford the intuition fee.

  • I went to Psychic School to learn how to read a crystal ball - but I gave it up. I couldn’t see any future in it. 
  • Cadburys have started a psychic school. They are making fat prophets. 
  • Psychic Buying New Clothes: Assistant - "How about this one?" Psychic - "That shirt is too small" Assistant - "But you haven't even tried it on!" Psychic - "I'm a medium"

  • Ghost talking with another ghost - "Do you believe in people?"

  • When clients walk in to the Psychic Barber's shop and ask for a hair cut - he says "say no more"

  • A lonely frog, desperate for some form of company called a Psychic Hotline to find out what his future holds. His psychic tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." - The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?" - "No" says the psychic, "in a biology class."

  • What is a Ouija Board? - It is for texting from the other side!

  • At my funeral everyone will be gifted their very own Ouija Board. With a little note that says: "let's keep in touch"
  • Being a psychic is hard work. But I knew it would be.

  • What do you get when a short psychic breaks out of jail? - A small medium at large!

  • Why do we never see the headline, “Psychic wins lottery”? - Here is the funny side of that one!

  • My psychic can tell what's inside a wrapped birthday present. - She says it's a gift!

  • What do you call an albino clairvoyant master hypnotist from San Francisco? - Super Pallid Cali Mystic Expert At Hypnosis!

  • What do you call a poor old mystic with bad breath and no shoes? - Super Calloused Fragile Mystic Hexed with Halitosis

  • Can a far-sighted psychic see further into the future?

  • How many of you believe in telekinesis? - Raise my hand!

  • When I saw a psychic, a mystic, a palm reader, and a fortune teller all laughing together at something I couldn't understand, then I realized it was an insight joke!

  • What do you call a psychic with a good outlook on life? - An Opti-Mystic!
Best Psychic Medium Jokes - Why did the medium cross the road? - to talk with the other side!

Best Psychic Jokes For Mediumship

  • Why did the psychic medium cross the road? - to talk with the other side!

  • Did you see that new Psychic Mediumship Soap Opera on TV? It's called "Days Of Our Afterlives"

Best Psychic Jokes For Tarot

Q: How many Major Arcana does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: All of them:

  • The Fool has already started before anyone else is ready.
  • The Magician assembles an array of objects that might be needed, displays them to best advantage and starts discussing how to go about it.
  • The High Priestess sits in the background, knowing one thing is missing but says nothing.
  • The Empress fusses around making sure it is safe and nobody gets hurt.
  • The Emperor tells everyone he thinks it should be done right now and starts delegating responsibilities.
  • The Hierophant offers advice on the missing part after consulting with the High Priestess.
  • The Lovers umm and ahh about what wattage bulb to put in this time.
  • The Chariot charges in and starts doing it himself regardless of the others' protests.
  • Strength surreptitiously places what's needed into Chariot's hands and gets it done her way.
  • The Hermit suggests a candle in a lamp would provide light in the meantime.
  • The Wheel of Fortune laughs and reminds everyone that the light will need changing again in the future.
  • Justice works out whose turn it is to change the light and whether the division of labour is being delegated fairly.
  • The Hanged Man sits back and contemplates how darkness can change our lives.
  • Death points out mournfully that this was bound to happen and how everything ends.
  • Temperance tells Death to chill out, it all evens up in the end.
  • The Devil tries to blame the Hanged Man for causing the light to blow and creates bad feelings all round.
  • The Tower suddenly starts ripping out the original light fitting so he can create a whole new more basic look.
  • The Star marvels at new beginnings and says how much she's looking forward to having the light working again.
  • The Moon continually offers conflicting advice, confusing everyone until he wanders off to the relief of all.
  • The Sun wants to redesign the whole room around a much brighter light.
  • Judgement examines the globe to see whether it truly was its time to blow and ponders whether the globe can be recycled.
  • The World suggests that any problems with the light are temporary: we had light once, we will have it again, and suggests focussing on the bigger picture.

Meanwhile, the Fool has already finished changing the light bulb and is off doing his own thing.

Serena's Tarot Lightbulb Joke © 1999-2020 Serena Powers

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