Hilarious Horoscopes

Hilarious Horoscopes

Hilarious Horoscopes to lighten your burdens, inspire hope, and connect with everyone you know under the sun signs. Because laughter is the best medicine after all!

Aquarius Hilarious Horoscopes

Amusing AquariusAquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Amusing Aquarius is ingeniously independent

Any Year is the Age of Aquarius. You are a nurturer, but you are also an independent free thinking individual who wants to know the truth about everything. 

Challenging the structure of normal life is something you do either passively or aggressively. Live the adventure and explore the Circle of Life during the upcoming weeks. Eat breakfast at Midnight, and have high tea at 3am. 

Be wary of blue lights that could dampen your holiday enthusiasm. Embrace your own unique view of the world. Now would also be a good time to return those overdue library books and pay those past due parking tickets. 

Of course paying fines is all part of "bowing to the establishment", but consider it a method of keeping those blue lights at bay.

Pisces Hilarious Horoscopes

Priceless PiscesPisces (February 19 - March 20)

Priceless Pisces is interestingly impressionable

This water sign involves a number of good personality traits, but the delicate nature of Pisces can easily be overwhelmed by these same characteristics. 

Compassion is good, but a Pisces tries to bear the burden of the world on his "all too human" back. You need to learn a sense of balance to keep yourself on an even keel. 

A close acquaintance will come to you for advice very soon, and it may help if you keep that iPod playing in one ear while you hear him out. 

This will keep you rooted in the reality of your own life and will help you keep your compassion in check. 

The best song for you to have on your download list is Beyonce's "Single Women".

Aries Hilarious Horoscopes

Abraxas AriesAries (March 21 - April 19)

Abraxas Aries give outgoing oblectation 

Those who are ruled by the sign of the Ram are sure to enjoy this coming period of harmonious balance with the universe. 

Tough decisions require the Ram's tough and determined nature. A mutually beneficial opportunity will be presented to you by someone with whom you have butted horns in the past. 

Ease up, my horny friend. Learn to use your beguiling charm and wit to its best advantage and you may not need to lower your head and take aim at the nearest target in order to achieve your goal.

Taurus Hilarious Horoscopes

Tragic TaurusTaurus (April 20 - May 20)

Tragic Taurus  can be conservatively crazy

Channel your methodical planning into a positive force, O Mighty Bull. The mighty Hercules has no more strength than you when you have set your sights on a desirable objective. 

While this can be a plus when it comes to seeking jobs, money or a coveted position on the White House staff, your intractable nature is not an asset in the romantic world. 

You need to quicken the pace of your heavy hooves so that you do not miss out on making a connection with the attractive stranger that wants to play the matador for the feisty Bull.

Gemini Hilarious Horoscopes

Gelastic GeminiGemini (May 21 - June 20)

Gelastic Gemini's vaticination is versatile

Lucky you! This birth sign is the only venue that portrays multiple personalities as highly desirable and socially acceptable. 

You are blessed with the Yin and the Yang of the Universe, if only you can bring them into balance more often. At least one can never accuse you of being boring or unchanging. 

The alignment of stars and planets does seem to be conspiring against you and you will find that fewer of your plans are unfolding as expected. To counter this you must be prepared to act in a manner contrary to your usual behavior. 

Be bold my Gemini Twin and you shall conquer the world. It is guaranteed that this new YOU will achieve your immediate financial and romantic goals.

Cancer Hilarious Horoscopes

Comical CancerCancer (June 21 - July 22)

Comical Cancer is emotionally entertaining

The Crab is known as a sensitive, intuitive birth sign. Instead of letting your energies and abilities be covered up with a bushel basket, crawl out into the light and show your amazing personality to the world. 

You will not end up as the main course on the banquet table, but if you spend a little time networking you are certain to become the main guest on everyone's holiday INVITE List.

Leo Hilarious Horoscopes

Laughable LeoLeo (July 23 - August 22)

Laughable Leo is authoritatively amusing

Roar my mighty Lion! These next few weeks are bringing surprising adventures and delights. Leave the hunt to others and take time to enjoy your environment. 

 Leos are known for their benevolent natures and leadership. Look for help from a modest, unassuming little mouse that you know. 

Resist the urge to toy with this tiny creature or you may indeed have to deal with a thorn in your butt...or was it your paw?

Virgo Hilarious Horoscopes

Vivacious VirgoVirgo (August 23 - September 22)

Vivacious Virgo is enchantingly exacting

Virgo is the sign of perfectionism and beauty. Although you demand a lot from those around you, it is no more than what you are willing to demand of yourself. 

Your tendency to be a bit obsessive -compulsive in daily life can interfere with your best traits and make it difficult for people to see what a wonderful person you really are. It really is not that important to have your kitchen floors clean enough to eat meals on is it? 

I mean if this is what you want then just toss the spaghetti on the tiles and let everyone serve themselves buffet style. People want to learn more about you and what makes you tick. Loosen up and enjoy life. 

Touch a goldfish, frolic in the leaves and be relaxed enough to double dip that Nacho Chip.

Libra Hilarious Horoscopes

Ludicrous LibraLibra (September 23 - October 22)

Ludicrous Libra is hilariously helpful

Level headed Libras can be exceptionally balanced and calm. Just don't make a perfectly balanced life your only goal in life. 

It is ok to show that you are human and make mistakes. After all, you're not Mr. Spock and you were not born on Vulcan. A Libra has an instinctive desire for neatness, order and popularity. 

If you are planning to spend the weekend rearranging your silverware drawer you may be past the point of change regarding any rehabilitative efforts. Still you should make the effort to break out of your self-imposed box and learn to experience the full range of life's adventures. 

Have some fun and remember that people appreciate you more when you are not so "Polly Perfect".

Scorpio Hilarious Horoscopes

Sidesplitting ScorpioScorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Sidesplitting Scorpio's dactylomancy is determined

Sensuous, sexy, seductive and secretive all are words that describe the most passionate of all birth signs-the Scorpio. 

The downside to all of the exotic, alluring qualities a Scorpio possesses is their vengeful, jealous nature. Sideswipe a tree and you may damage your car, but sideswipe a Scorpio and you will be immediately placed on their list of Subjects to Annihilate. 

If the CIA is serious about wanting to learn how to deal with terrorists they should study the "get even" tactics used by any group of angry Scorpios. Your jealousy will be put to the test in the coming weeks as parties bring you back in contact with some people from your past. 

If you want Santa to reward you with a wonderful present, you need to hold your behavior in check and stay on the list of "Good Boys and Girls". Ummmm, no, Santa can not be bribed. Even by you my lovely, intriguing little Scorpion.

Sagittarius Hilarious Horoscopes

Sanguine SagittariusSagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Sanguine Sagittarius is ever optimistic with oneirocriticism

This is the sign of the Archer a blessed combination of energy and intelligence. With your happy go lucky nature and eagerness for adventure you are never at a loss for friends. 

However certain events in the near future could cause you to behave more like fellow Sagittarian, Britney Spears during her worst meltdown moments. 

Be advised to stay at least 50 yards away from any and all individuals that bear a resemblance to Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton or K-Federline. Underwear! Never leave home without it!

Capricorn Hilarious Horoscopes

Convivial CapricornCapricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Convivial Capricorn is cautious with capnomancy

The Goat is an Earth sign known for such traits as meticulous planning and hard work. Many people consider these individuals to be industrious and a little boring. 

Time to shake up the way people look at you. Party season is approaching and you can be the life of any party if you allow yourself to channel some of the characteristics evidenced by fellow Capricorns like Elvis and Mel Gibson. 

You don't have to dive into the deep end of the pool to learn how to swim, so test the waters; go slow and have fun! Hop on the elevator without checking the date of the last inspection. 

You will find that a little uncertainty adds a lot of excitement to the ride.