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1992 Libra Indigo

by Courtney
(NC, USA )

I am very unhappy with my life. I’m glad I’ve finally found an answer to what I’ve been looking for. I’ve spent hundreds of nights researching tons of things that can explain why I’m so different.

Since I was in high school, I knew I wasn’t stupid but I just couldn't do the class work. I got along with some teachers but rebelled against most. I LOVED the effect I had on them that no one else did. They would try intimidating me by looking straight into my eyes but would end up having to look away. I could easily prove them wrong and usually ended up being sent to the office for not giving into their threats. But even though I drove them mad, when they would have one on one private conversations with me, we were able to bond perfectly. They were so confused.

I don’t follow orders. If you ask me to do something, I usually will. When someone gives me orders I feel like I have to stand up for myself and prove I’m not a child, even though I was. I was a mystery to teachers, family, and principles. "You’re such an intelligent, caring person when you want to be" is what I heard a lot. I could easily pass tests in school without studying or doing the classwork. That was a problem once I got to highschool and classwork counted more than tests. I couldn’t explain why, I just didn’t do it. It felt pointless to me. My mom would take away my TV, stereo, any form of entertainment. But I didn’t care. I lived in my own world and thoughts. It didn’t make my grades any better. I never had sleepovers with friends because I was grounded all the time. But I wouldn’t change.

I get very angry when I feel I’m being attacked over a misunderstanding. My mom always tells me I only care about myself but I care more than she could ever know. I care about everyone like their problems are my own and I have to find solutions for them because they aren’t capable of it.

I know exactly how to cheer people up and help them understand certain situations. People come to me for advice daily. Even people I haven’t spoken to in years. If I see someone having a problem I have to put my own two-cents in. People say I’m two-faced a lot because I can’t be mad at just one side. I have to understand and help both people. I get a lot of joy from helping people but I get so overwhelmed at different times. I shut down from everyone completely. I go from being so happy and energized to wanting to lay in bed all day just keeping to myself. I get called lazy because I sit at home all day and don’t clean like I should.. There’s no excuse because I have nothing else to do. They don’t understand. I’m so drained and emotionally tired. I think about different peoples problems constantly like it’s a huge weight on my shoulder. So I get so insulted when they accuse me of only caring about myself. They have no idea.

I’m so stuck in life. I finally got a job last year and made everyone proud and two weeks later I got into a four wheeler accident and was put on bed rest for two months and now my ankle is disabled.

Oh and I have a three year old son. He's amazing and I am a great mom (when I’m not emotionally drained) but I have to find a job to support him. I just need help. Things like work, driving, these things other people seem so comfortable with, I can’t do easily. The only thing I’m good at is helping others with their problems and seeing things they didn't before.

No one has ever understood me completely. I knew more than my therapists. I knew exactly what they would tell me when I explained my problems and what their solution would be. My closest friends understand me to an extent. I've always felt like I knew more than people around me.. Not things you learn in a book... Something deeper.

Since I was little I would make up scenarios for how the world actually works. I used to wonder if we were really just living inside of a book someone was reading. This was when I was in kindergarten. I always joked about being psychic because I just KNEW things that were gonna happen, but I always thought psychics were more like Thats So Raven type.

I've had one person kind of close to me pass away. It was my great grandmother and the night she passed away I dreamed about it and woke up to my nana crying at the end of my bed ready to tell me the news. I wasn’t ever THAT close with my great grandma but I could not quit crying that day.. I had to leave school. I was crying more than anyone. Not really because she was gone, but because I knew how hurt other people would be when she was gone. Her husband wasn’t the nicest person but I held his hand during the funeral and my family made such a big deal about how sweet it was. It just seemed like common sense to me but whatever.

I also used to feel like if I thought of something in my head it would really happen; because very often it did happen. Or that I could stare at people and make them do/say what I was thinking. I could almost always tell what they were thinking and got worried that they could read mine as well. I've always had to sleep with someone at night.. I get so freaked out laying in bed alone because I sense things around me.

I could write about how different I am for hours.. I'm just glad there’s other "weird” ones out there to relate to. Thanks for reading :p

Please forgive any typos.. I'm on my phone and typing fast.

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