Am I an Indigo
Am I an Indigo? Start off by saying my mom has always told me I came out of the womb screaming and never stopped. I’m still trying to figure out the meaning of that. I’m 29 years old born in 1982. What I do know is at an early age I remember always feeling more mature then my peers.
I had the feeling as if I was teaching my parents more than they were teaching me. I always have felt knowledgeable about life like I’ve been here before. Like an old soul. Being that bringing these thoughts up within my family I would be looked down upon and told I was crazy which they still to this day assume.
I kept a lot of things to myself. Even though I always feel like I’m searching for my mission in life to complete and that my emotions on most things feel deeper than most.
My favorite color has always been purple. When surrounded by purple I’m my happiest. I was raised and baptized in a Baptist church but I was always questioning religion. My only fear in life is the unknown. I hate the unknown so I am constantly searching why, how and why again. I always felt this weird connection with people that I was close to after they passed. Like they were always on my mind, like it took me longer to accept their death than most people around me. Almost like they stuck around before going to the other side and I could feel their presence. Like they were maybe trying to communicate but I wouldn’t allow it or didn’t know how to.
I’ve always been able to look at someone without talking to them and feeling their emotion. I can smell bull shit from a mile away. My biggest pet peeve is liars. I feel that Liars are the evil. I’ve always felt like my life has been full of challenges and though I’ve struggled I have a survival mode that always gets me through things. It wasn’t until a couple years ago when I took my daughter to a psychic fair that I actually started researching Indigos crystals etc. Due to the fact that my daughter picked up random crystals at the fair she was 10 at the time and would explain to me what she felt when holding them. Whether it was protection or love or strength etc. After looking more into this and asking questions to the people at the fair what I discovered was the feelings my daughter was expressing when holding the crystals were the exact energies that were documented in the book about healing energy with crystals. The funny thing is that I wasn’t even questioning it or scared it was almost as if this was the way to show me that we both had special abilities. To find the meaning the purpose the reasoning as to why us.
I also know that I have always felt disconnected from my parents I love them and want to be loved by them but it just wasn’t enough. As an adult I still do not get along with my parents whom are divorced. They will tell me I’m disconnected from them and are not close to anyone in my family except for my kids. My mother is also always telling me everything I do wrong instead of finding positive in which I do right. I’ve always felt they don’t get me. I have a half-sister by my mom and ex step dad who is five years younger and I feel as if she shares the same traits, abilities and questions the same things. She got a tattoo a few years back that says DO YOU FEEL. After looking into why would she get something like that carved in her body. I realized she must be dealing with a lot of the same emotions as myself. And being raised by a women who was so scared of feelings if you would cry she would say go take a bath or get some fresh air. Instead of allowing us to feel probably didn’t help.
The only people I am close with are my two girls ages 12 years and 18 months. I would describe myself as very out spoken tell you how it is in your face kind of person. I have struggled with depression post partum anxiety and told several times I suffer from ADD . As if I can focus it’s just my mind goes faster than my mouth or vice versa it just never seems to quite meet at the right time. I tend to never finish my sentences and go from one thing to the next as I ‘m probably doing writing this. I can read a book as fast as you want but the actual comprehension doesn’t stick and sometimes I finish a book and it’s like my mind wasn’t even there reading it. It was somewhere else.
Sometimes I’ll be driving and get to my destination and be like hmm not remembering the drive. Almost like my mind was somewhere else. Scary I know but it works. Currently I have been needing more answers as to if this is a gift why does it not feel like a gift why do I feel like I struggle with it. Am I using my abilities to hurt my well being vs. making in better?
I feel really off balanced lately and it’s almost as if for the first time in my life that inner voice isn’t there leading me in the right direction. I am currently a stay at home mom and as blessed as I am to stay home with my girls. I feel like my life has more meaning to it and I’m failing at finding it. I have really strong beliefs even though most of my family is catholic and I was raised Baptist. I have instilled within me from something deeper that the truth is I believe in a higher power a god per say but to me god is everything. The world the sky mother nature etc.
I also believe that we are all here on earth to complete our mission and until our mission is completely successfully we will be reincarnated until it is completed. Then when completed we will go home to our heaven are happiness. I sometimes believe that earth is our hell and it’s our challenge to see whether we are strong enough to succeed. No one has ever taught me this or told me this for that matter it’s almost like I was born with this message instilled in my soul. I do believe I have been around this what we call earth a time or two. I was told one time I was the oldest soul in the room.
I’m currently dating a guy for 3 years who tends to be what I call a compulsive liar aka the evil being. But I am drawn to him as if I’m his helper to teach him this is not the way. But as a teacher I feel like I fail due to the fact that my nature is to search and find facts that he has lied then confront him throw it in his face put him down as if I get gratitude doing this. As if I throw it in his face enough he’ll stop. I feel like I can’t escape this bad energy. Is it him or is it me? Or is it that we are not meant to be??
I have so many unanswered questions and feel like my searching is never going to stop I’m never going to be satisfied with my answers with my life with me. I know everything has reasoning but why do I continue to let this negative pull take over my life?
What am I not doing right?
How can I find happiness or inner peace?
This can’t be as good as it gets.