Since I was born I have been alone. And things have always felt like I was the problem. My mother would beat me for anything I would experiment or try to do on my own. My parents were strict and... I didn’t like that at all, but I listened all my life because I didn’t want to disappoint. I wanted them to just love me and care about me like I did them so I obeyed but sadly that wasn’t enough to get the deep love and bond I wanted. Honestly I hate writing, so much stuff in my head I can’t possibly get this out on paper and make sense but hey, I’ll try anything once. I would have nightmares that I could physically feel every time so I avoided sleep as much as I could. I would see so many things in my dreams that has happened in real life even leading up to today. I still am afraid of the dark sometimes or being alone and sleeping. I don’t like doing it but I know its dire to me living. I sometimes hear things that aren’t in physical form and see things, people.
Spirits that follow me around I don’t know who they are or what they want. I had this bird who would throw himself at my windows for 3 months straight trying to get inside my room. That was very annoying to hear and see sometimes. Also frightening.
I have never been able to focus on one thing for too long before I put it down and start something else. They say I move to fast and need to slow down. Ha. If only they knew how hard that is.
When I was 7 I wanted to kill myself. I wrote a note to my parents but never gave it or did it. I fought through it and it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I would look out my window at odd times of the night staring at the stars begging for them to bring me home, I have no idea where home is but I know it’s not here. I sometimes feel like I was put on the wrong planet in the wrong family in the wrong body. This person that I’m forced to have to be is not who I am in my soul and I fucking hate waking up every day playing the stage. I hate the fucking way this world expects you to do everything that everyone else does, so many rules and restrictions and repetition like an endless cycle like people are brain washed. Like droids or robots, not me. I do what I do not because I have to but because I want to live This isn’t my home these aren’t my family they want to harm me the people of this world and I have to live so I can save the future.
I want to help. I want to save people’s lives. Stop death from happening stop rapes and floods earthquakes that kill so many but I can’t. I know I’m here for a reason I know I’m special I just don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing exactly. I know in my core that it’s not going to a square building sitting at a square desk and doing meaningless things to make money for the same people who are killing everything. But hey if you don’t work what are you considered? A bum. If you don’t go and bust your ass for 8 plus hours a day for meaningless faces on printed paper, then you are NOTHING to this world. Your own family will say this to you as well. This breaks my heart. If you don’t go to a school for half of your life and get a degree in something irrelevant to our future, you are also considered a bum. I never strived to do this for myself I never dreamed of this because I see the bigger picture. While everyone is so caught up in this puppet show they call life. I know what’s important is the future generations of humans and animals and making sure this planet and the people inhabiting it are safe. I know how important trees are, how important rain is, how important grass and the sun are to US. But people cut it down. Try to put sunscreen on to block the rays from doing WHAT ITS MEANT TO BE DOING TO YOUR SKIN AND BODY. It angers me deeply to watch and see my people become this. They are doing exactly what they’re not supposed to. All my life I went left when I was supposed to go right. I never went in one single line like the rest of the world. I don’t like doing "trendy" things it doesn’t make me happy. It bores the living shit out of me when I see what they call fun. And I always question why I just don’t understand why no one else sees this shit. That it’s a distraction for something bigger and nobody’s looking. But I am and I’m not going to turn away.
I don’t know how I plan on saving this world by myself or even where to start but I won’t stop looking and searching for my purpose and maybe people like me. To start because time is running up.
I long for someone to be with for the rest of my life. A soulmate. Who can match my divine love that I have inside of me. Because it hurts how much I care and how hard I love and only to not ever receive it back for 20 years.
I’ll admit I have nothing. No money no job no car no house. I am poor. But inside I know I’m the richest woman on this earth, to possess so much knowledge and wisdom to pass on to others is a blessing. And so that’s how I look at myself while others may insult me or try to hurt me and make me feel bad about myself. Even people I trusted. So I trust no one.
I’m cut off from the world and it doesn’t bother me at all. I just need that one person in my life to give me life and strength to keep going because I want to give up somedays so bad.
I’m writing this in hopes I can sense some guidance I need it. I know I’m special and how powerful I am I want to know how to use it to help.
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